[ He could lie. Say it was all a trick of the room, his mind addled by the labyrinth, give in to the fear he confessed to at least one more time and put off taking that risk for as long as he possibly can.
And maybe that lie would have more to stand on if it was that much harder to keep his poker face on in front of Haruaki. The smile he puts on is almost rueful, as if he's already regretting a decision he hasn't made yet, thumbs still on the other man's shoulders idly kneading in place of wringing a protective dish towel. ]
I...
[ Eyes trapped by a warmer, friendlier red, he remembers what it felt like to finally say those words out loud.
He can't do it.
Not to that face.
And so he keeps Haruaki's gaze even with a visible twinge of anxiety in his own. ]
[ Their little pocket of this world stills, right there in the cosy kitchen.
Is this what it would have felt like if he hadn't been so numbed by that drug? The way every inch of his body prickles with a sudden shock of heat, the way his breath catches in his throat so that he can feel his own pounding heartbeat – that's how it should be, isn't it?
Akira said he loved him, and he meant it.
Akira said he'd been waiting for him, and he meant it.
For him, of all people...
Is this another puzzle piece of his life that was expertly placed centuries ago by Abe no Seimei, or is this something Haruaki managed to make happen all on his own?
He stares at Akira, plainly stunned, and the words jolt out before he even realizes he's going to say them: ]
I... I want a do-over.
[ The dish towel drops to the floor. Haruaki's hands come up, shaky as they are, to unwind Akira's from over his shoulders and hold them between his own. ]
Please? I want a different first kiss. But I still want it to be from you.
[ The drumming of his own heartbeat immediately fills his ears when Haruaki speaks.
From...from him. A different first kiss, but still from him, after everything he's said and done. Holding his hands like they belong to someone precious.
It's more dreamlike than what he now knows they both experienced, honestly. ]
...You're sure. [ It's more of an observation than a question, incredulity still creeping in past the hope against hope it's all true. ]
I...I'd love to. To kiss you again, if it's really alright.
[ And it is, isn't it?
He'd like to be more hesitant about this, more romantic, to give Haruaki a 'normal' first kiss experience but in the end normal isn't something Takahashi Akira will ever be able to provide. As his eyes slide shut, as he leans up, desire takes over and he slides their lips together with no further fussing. ]
[ It's not that Haruaki didn't believe Akira when he said that he meant every word from before, that he meant that kiss...
But experiencing it all over again is something else entirely.
It's different. That kiss was the last thing he felt before that numb heaviness overtook his entire body, and not for a minute has Haruaki forgotten the way it made his lips tingle and his heart skip. But now, with full control over himself– he's taken aback at first by how total the experience is in its effect on him.
That pleasant prickling sensation spreads from the epicenter at his lips to every single nerve in his body, right down to his fingertips. His hands clutch tighter around Akira's for a moment, pulsing right along with his thudding heart, and then he drops them to fling his arms around Akira's neck instead.
He can move.
He can lean into the kiss, eyes squeezed shut, crowd in closer to Akira and do his very best to kiss him back. He tried it before, but the feeling in his body was already fading fast – not so now, every tentative, curious movement of their lips together only feeling more intense, more delightful, more–
Right.
Haruaki's an emotional creature even under the best circumstances. If there are tears filling his eyes, pressing hot against the seam of his lashes, then it shouldn't surprise Akira.
People aren't supposed to be this lucky, this happy, this blessed. His heart feels full enough to burst right out of his chest, so much so that he almost, almost wishes he had a secure hand around it once more.
He doesn't pull away to say anything, though there's so very much he wants to, needs to, so much he couldn't say before – but no, Haruaki doesn't break the kiss for even a second. He won't until Akira does. ]
Haruaki is kissing him back. With gusto even, with a happiness Akira can feel the warmth of in the arms around his neck, the smile at his lips.
He doesn't think--can't, anymore--before he wraps his own arms around Haruaki's waist, lifting him into a spin as the only other way he can let out a fraction of all the joy he's feeling aside from putting his all into kissing right back.
And oh, does he. Does he nearly test the limits of how long he can hold his breath with all this dopamine surging through him, would keep it up if he wasn't flesh and blood after all, but there's one good thing about finally pulling back just enough: ]
I love you.
[ He can say that with all his faculties intact. ]
[ Haruaki's so lost in the kiss, in the immense, nearly unbelievable shared joy, he doesn't even realize his head is swimming until he finds himself gasping for air as their lips part. Maybe that's at least part of why he passed out the first time...
The deep breath he draws immediately comes out in a shaky, overwhelmed laugh at that declaration.
Akira really had meant it back in the labyrinth...
And so had Haruaki.
It's unreal. He knows his personality can be terribly off-putting; it's why he reached adulthood without ever having done this before, after all. But Akira loves him, and not in spite of it – of course the most youkai-like of all youkai, ruled entirely by his desires, sees even the worst parts of Haruaki and loves him for them.
There are still tears lingering in his eyes as he knocks his forehead down against Akira's, grinding it affectionately there. ]
I feel the same...
[ He'd meant it in the labyrinth, but he also thought they were already together for quite some time. The words rolled off his tongue easily, truthfully, but now...
Haruaki squeezes Akira tight, voice trembling, still fearful he might misstep and ruin things, but unwilling to not go about it honestly this time. ]
But... I want to be with you for a while before I say it, okay? I want it to be special when you hear it for the first time.
[ He wants all the things that the labyrinth assumed for them, all the things that were too hazy in his manufactured memories for him to put his finger on – he wants to go on real dates with Akira, and enjoy living with him as a partner, and to kiss him a million more times...
And when he tells him he loves him, he wants to do it beneath the stars. ]
[ He's still almost breathless with joy, with relief, as he mirrors the gentle forehead grinding. Any excuse to touch his love, even if his arms are wrapped tight around his waist. ]
I trust you. And I want you to want to say it, how you want to say it. [ With a giggle, ] I'm sure whatever you do is going to be just as charming as the rest of you.
[ Oh, but he's so painfully enamored. Even if he can't really see anything clearly while this close, he still looks, he gazes, content with the knowledge of who he's gazing at. Content enough to stay there for who knows how long, smile stuck in place, gently swaying the both of them at the hips as he's unable to physically contain the swells of emotion.
It fills him with another desire, and a question hits him. Sheepishly, he can't help but giggle again, ]
[ All the relief Akira feels is mirrored and doubled in Haruaki; it's okay that he can't say it yet. More than okay. Akira trusts him, knows that what is in his heart will eventually be spoken into true existence, absent of any manipulation either of them face. It'll be solely for just the two of them.
He lets himself be swayed, like a reed waving happily in a breeze by the river, and nods so hard his cowlick flops in his face. ]
Yes! Yes, of course!
[ So long as Akira doesn't mind that he won't hear it back just yet...
God, of course Haruaki wants to hear it.
His bright flush hasn't died down once, but it flares to new life now. ]
No one's ever said that to me before, you know...
[ Which stands to reason, given he'd never even been kissed, but still. It feels important to tell Akira, to let him know that hearing it will fill a gap in Haruaki's life that he figured he'd always live with. ]
[ He won't say he can't imagine why--Haruaki isn't a man who keeps many secrets, including how he's lived until now, and in their nightly bedtime talks Akira plays Haruaki's admission of past loneliness over and over in his mind now that he's staring up at the man.
That's a lot of years to make up for. He has plenty of time, and plenty of willpower to make it happen.
'I'll promise you a thousand years worth of happiness,' huh? Would that be tacky to say at this point? ]
I want to say it as much as possible now that I know I can.
[ An affectionate squeeze, ]
I love everything about you, even the parts I don't understand. Especially those parts!
[ Haruaki squeaks like a chewtoy when he's squeezed and confessed to all over again. Of course Akira loves the parts he doesn't understand – learning to understand that must be more than half the fun for him, right? Hopefully he can keep giving Akira new and strange things to uncover to keep that thirst for knowledge going and going...
Ah. He hadn't expected how difficult it would be to respond to such heartfelt declarations of love without saying the words in return. That doesn't mean he wants to stop hearing them, of course, just–
Flustering, blushing, stammering, all Haruaki can do is cup Akira's face in both his trembling hands. ]
K-keep saying it, but...
[ It's his turn to try this now. He ducks his head down, presses their lips together– the first time he's ever given someone a kiss, and it could certainly be more elegant, clumsily catching Akira's bottom lip between his own, but no one could say it isn't full of a vast depth of feeling. Haruaki kisses Akira with all the force and might of those unspoken words behind it, words gasping out of him as they part. ]
But I'm warning you, every time you do, I'm going to have to do that!!!
[ One would think Haruaki had just kissed him with all the power and technique of a veteran, the way Akira's dazed and grinning once he pulls away. Had that really been his first kiss? Or is this just another example of the wonder of wonders that is Abe Haruaki...?
Either way, once Akira snaps out of it he wastes no time. ]
I love you!
[ His hands move up from Haruaki's waist to cling as his shoulders, his neck, perfect positioning to make good on a threat. ]
[ Haruaki's laughter bubbles up brightly between their faces still so close together – he giggles through clumsy kiss after clumsy kiss peppered after each of those declarations. ]
Hey, you're exploiting it!
[ But he gives anyway, still laughing, grinning, clutching at Akira's face like he'll slip away if he lets go. If they're not careful, they'll stay here in the kitchen like this all night. ]
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
And maybe that lie would have more to stand on if it was that much harder to keep his poker face on in front of Haruaki. The smile he puts on is almost rueful, as if he's already regretting a decision he hasn't made yet, thumbs still on the other man's shoulders idly kneading in place of wringing a protective dish towel. ]
I...
[ Eyes trapped by a warmer, friendlier red, he remembers what it felt like to finally say those words out loud.
He can't do it.
Not to that face.
And so he keeps Haruaki's gaze even with a visible twinge of anxiety in his own. ]
...I meant every word I said.
no subject
Is this what it would have felt like if he hadn't been so numbed by that drug? The way every inch of his body prickles with a sudden shock of heat, the way his breath catches in his throat so that he can feel his own pounding heartbeat – that's how it should be, isn't it?
Akira said he loved him, and he meant it.
Akira said he'd been waiting for him, and he meant it.
For him, of all people...
Is this another puzzle piece of his life that was expertly placed centuries ago by Abe no Seimei, or is this something Haruaki managed to make happen all on his own?
He stares at Akira, plainly stunned, and the words jolt out before he even realizes he's going to say them: ]
I... I want a do-over.
[ The dish towel drops to the floor. Haruaki's hands come up, shaky as they are, to unwind Akira's from over his shoulders and hold them between his own. ]
Please? I want a different first kiss. But I still want it to be from you.
no subject
From...from him. A different first kiss, but still from him, after everything he's said and done. Holding his hands like they belong to someone precious.
It's more dreamlike than what he now knows they both experienced, honestly. ]
...You're sure. [ It's more of an observation than a question, incredulity still creeping in past the hope against hope it's all true. ]
I...I'd love to. To kiss you again, if it's really alright.
[ And it is, isn't it?
He'd like to be more hesitant about this, more romantic, to give Haruaki a 'normal' first kiss experience but in the end normal isn't something Takahashi Akira will ever be able to provide. As his eyes slide shut, as he leans up, desire takes over and he slides their lips together with no further fussing. ]
let's GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
But experiencing it all over again is something else entirely.
It's different. That kiss was the last thing he felt before that numb heaviness overtook his entire body, and not for a minute has Haruaki forgotten the way it made his lips tingle and his heart skip. But now, with full control over himself– he's taken aback at first by how total the experience is in its effect on him.
That pleasant prickling sensation spreads from the epicenter at his lips to every single nerve in his body, right down to his fingertips. His hands clutch tighter around Akira's for a moment, pulsing right along with his thudding heart, and then he drops them to fling his arms around Akira's neck instead.
He can move.
He can lean into the kiss, eyes squeezed shut, crowd in closer to Akira and do his very best to kiss him back. He tried it before, but the feeling in his body was already fading fast – not so now, every tentative, curious movement of their lips together only feeling more intense, more delightful, more–
Right.
Haruaki's an emotional creature even under the best circumstances. If there are tears filling his eyes, pressing hot against the seam of his lashes, then it shouldn't surprise Akira.
People aren't supposed to be this lucky, this happy, this blessed. His heart feels full enough to burst right out of his chest, so much so that he almost, almost wishes he had a secure hand around it once more.
He doesn't pull away to say anything, though there's so very much he wants to, needs to, so much he couldn't say before – but no, Haruaki doesn't break the kiss for even a second. He won't until Akira does. ]
YEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS
Haruaki is kissing him back. With gusto even, with a happiness Akira can feel the warmth of in the arms around his neck, the smile at his lips.
He doesn't think--can't, anymore--before he wraps his own arms around Haruaki's waist, lifting him into a spin as the only other way he can let out a fraction of all the joy he's feeling aside from putting his all into kissing right back.
And oh, does he. Does he nearly test the limits of how long he can hold his breath with all this dopamine surging through him, would keep it up if he wasn't flesh and blood after all, but there's one good thing about finally pulling back just enough: ]
I love you.
[ He can say that with all his faculties intact. ]
I love you, oniisan, I love you so much...!
(CHANTING LOUDER AND LOUDER) YAOI YAOI YAOI YAOI
The deep breath he draws immediately comes out in a shaky, overwhelmed laugh at that declaration.
Akira really had meant it back in the labyrinth...
And so had Haruaki.
It's unreal. He knows his personality can be terribly off-putting; it's why he reached adulthood without ever having done this before, after all. But Akira loves him, and not in spite of it – of course the most youkai-like of all youkai, ruled entirely by his desires, sees even the worst parts of Haruaki and loves him for them.
There are still tears lingering in his eyes as he knocks his forehead down against Akira's, grinding it affectionately there. ]
I feel the same...
[ He'd meant it in the labyrinth, but he also thought they were already together for quite some time. The words rolled off his tongue easily, truthfully, but now...
Haruaki squeezes Akira tight, voice trembling, still fearful he might misstep and ruin things, but unwilling to not go about it honestly this time. ]
But... I want to be with you for a while before I say it, okay? I want it to be special when you hear it for the first time.
[ He wants all the things that the labyrinth assumed for them, all the things that were too hazy in his manufactured memories for him to put his finger on – he wants to go on real dates with Akira, and enjoy living with him as a partner, and to kiss him a million more times...
And when he tells him he loves him, he wants to do it beneath the stars. ]
Is that alright? Akira-kun?
YAOI BEEEEEEAAAAAAAAAAAM
[ He's still almost breathless with joy, with relief, as he mirrors the gentle forehead grinding. Any excuse to touch his love, even if his arms are wrapped tight around his waist. ]
I trust you. And I want you to want to say it, how you want to say it. [ With a giggle, ] I'm sure whatever you do is going to be just as charming as the rest of you.
[ Oh, but he's so painfully enamored. Even if he can't really see anything clearly while this close, he still looks, he gazes, content with the knowledge of who he's gazing at. Content enough to stay there for who knows how long, smile stuck in place, gently swaying the both of them at the hips as he's unable to physically contain the swells of emotion.
It fills him with another desire, and a question hits him. Sheepishly, he can't help but giggle again, ]
...Is it okay if I still say it?
no subject
He lets himself be swayed, like a reed waving happily in a breeze by the river, and nods so hard his cowlick flops in his face. ]
Yes! Yes, of course!
[ So long as Akira doesn't mind that he won't hear it back just yet...
God, of course Haruaki wants to hear it.
His bright flush hasn't died down once, but it flares to new life now. ]
No one's ever said that to me before, you know...
[ Which stands to reason, given he'd never even been kissed, but still. It feels important to tell Akira, to let him know that hearing it will fill a gap in Haruaki's life that he figured he'd always live with. ]
no subject
That's a lot of years to make up for. He has plenty of time, and plenty of willpower to make it happen.
'I'll promise you a thousand years worth of happiness,' huh? Would that be tacky to say at this point? ]
I want to say it as much as possible now that I know I can.
[ An affectionate squeeze, ]
I love everything about you, even the parts I don't understand. Especially those parts!
DIABOLICALLLLLLLLL STOPPPPPPPPSDHFLKSDJ
Ah. He hadn't expected how difficult it would be to respond to such heartfelt declarations of love without saying the words in return. That doesn't mean he wants to stop hearing them, of course, just–
Flustering, blushing, stammering, all Haruaki can do is cup Akira's face in both his trembling hands. ]
K-keep saying it, but...
[ It's his turn to try this now. He ducks his head down, presses their lips together– the first time he's ever given someone a kiss, and it could certainly be more elegant, clumsily catching Akira's bottom lip between his own, but no one could say it isn't full of a vast depth of feeling. Haruaki kisses Akira with all the force and might of those unspoken words behind it, words gasping out of him as they part. ]
But I'm warning you, every time you do, I'm going to have to do that!!!
no subject
Either way, once Akira snaps out of it he wastes no time. ]
I love you!
[ His hands move up from Haruaki's waist to cling as his shoulders, his neck, perfect positioning to make good on a threat. ]
I love you! I love you! I love you!!
GOD.... WE CAN WRAP SOON IF YOU WANT :WHYYYY:
Hey, you're exploiting it!
[ But he gives anyway, still laughing, grinning, clutching at Akira's face like he'll slip away if he lets go. If they're not careful, they'll stay here in the kitchen like this all night. ]
YES YES...DISGUSTING..........
Eeeeeeh? You think sooo? I just felt like saying it!
[ He's not even trying--the faux-innocence is thick enough in the air to be a solid at this point. ]
Speaking of which, I love you~!
no subject
Akira can't keep exploiting it if he can't speak.
This time, when Haruaki kisses him, he doesn't pull away, and he keeps a tight hold on Akira so that he can't either.
What now, genius? ]
no subject
Guess there's nothing for it but to lean back against the counter and enjoy himself, then~ ]